the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Randomize
