So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
