I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize