god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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