I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
