Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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