I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
