I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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