oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
So squirting runs in the family.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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