Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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