Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
