Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
