he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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