he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
