pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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