I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
