Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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