let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
