allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
