I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize