I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
