I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
