I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I can tuck mytits in my pants
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I am available for nakedness
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
