I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
