So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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