My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
