mondays should just be called national damage control day
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
