At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You smell like stripper and shame
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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