Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
