Just fell off a train. Bad.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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