just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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