remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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