i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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