last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
