if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
