I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
