....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
