i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
