i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
