I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
