What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
