My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
