Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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