I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
