How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
