I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
