he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
