My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Randomize
