: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
