I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I didn't notice because vodka
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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