My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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