I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
