What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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