Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
