Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
