Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
