I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
