She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
