Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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