You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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