dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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